I'm A Princess

Recently (years really)I have made it a point to search out my life by asking the "who's, what's, where's, why's, when's, and how's" in order to...

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for me with all your heart." Jer. 29:13 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter but the glory of kings to search out a matter." Pro. 25:2

You see, adoption and the lack there of (spiritually) have effected me (and everyone else on this world) more than I knew it at the time. Make sense? Again, wish I were speaking to you all instead.... of writing.

To me adoption was a great thing as a kid (still is, but for more eternal reasons). As if my Koreaness didn't already; it set me apart. And for that matter it set me on a pedestal. Just ask me! In short it was one part of my ticket to Awesome town. Adoption was also a great tool in manipulation. For better and for worse I rarely used adoption during my manipulation efforts... This is not one of those times.

Let me introduce you alll to my siblings. We are all just about 2yrs. (give or take) apart from each other. This is about as good as we look (I tried) at my brother's wedding last May. Jeff is 28yo and sandwiched between myself (29yo) and our sister (to be 26yo). Lucky him! Although, this post isn't really about him, but he is the middle child and I didn't want to encourage his middle child attitude any further ;-)



All this is to say that I get a giggle over one childhood event ....

Now, I am not sure how old I was when this occurred, but my sister says that she has a clear memory of this.... soooooo perhaps I might have been in 3rd or 4th grade. It would fit into a time of some of my great lies that were told :-) Anyways, it was a time when I NEEDED some extra hands in my chores and apparently a boost to my ego.

The gist of the conversation between my sister and I....

Me: "I bet you didn't know that I was a princess in Korea."

Erin: "Really?"

Me: "Yep. I only came here b/c I was too popular to be there. Mom and Dad don't talk about it much b/c it reminds them of when I will have to go back and be a queen."

Erin: eyes wide

Me: "So it might be good that you bow and serve me while I am here, but don't do it in front of Mom and Dad. Okay?"

Erin: "OKAY!"

Well, I don't remember how long she bowed down and served me, but my sister (last time it was mentioned... I thinkI) claimed that it lasted weeks, but I would think shorter. Though, I am sure that it felt like weeks! I do know that I wasn't too upset when it all came crashing down b/c I was already up to my next..... "idea." Pretty sure that was the creation of the "Pet Toy Fund" and yes, I was the money holder.... Did I mention that I was an amazing big sister?

Is there a lesson here? Ummm.... Don't be fooled, kids sin. Even us cute ones! Well, it just goes to show that I have had pride and power issues since the beginning. Sigh. That and my imagination was better back then!

Got 'Em All!

It is a rare thing for all 5 of us to be in a picture together and an even rarer one to have us all looking darn good (if I do so myself). So I thought that I would share a couple that were taken of us real fast on Easter Sunday.





Thanks to Rebecca (http://beautifulfeetphotography.com/) for 1. coming to our church that morning and 2. seeing me desperately trying to get a pic of my kids together and offering to snap a couple for us!

Lonely No More

Admittedly, I am soooo not a very good blogger. Oh well.

Since the last blog I took my first solo trip since my kids arrived in my life. My destination was Louisville, KY and more specifically the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit. Simply put it is a huge conference that brings most of those who have anything to do with orphan care together to.....

"Learn to do good, seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow." Isaiah 1:17

No doubt I could speak for hours and write a book about the experiences and moments that were shared with me. It was such blessed and fruitful event to my soul.

(hmmmm.... It occurs to me right now that I don't think that I have introduced my heart and deepest passion on this blog. I know, you're probably thinking, "Well, it mustn't be that big of a 'thing' if she hasn't mentioned it yet." Understood. Though, that is not the case. For those that know me in real life know that if I can (and I always tend to find a way) discuss, study, and pray about global orphan care and my role in it.... I do. Period. Thus, the trip to the Summit.) Can I put a whole paragraph in parenthesis?

One moment that swept me off of my feet was meeting a fellow adoptee, Stephanie. Like myself she was adopted from Korea, but during an earlier generation and under different circumstances. The reason for her special mention here is due to common connection that is found in Jesus Christ. The joy of God that exuded from her resembled my heart and I wanted to explode! Her message was the message that I have been carrying and jabbering on about the last few years. Again Jesus and even more specifically the joys and redemptive value in being twice orphaned and twice adopted and the Lord's own heart for the orphan.

This meeting may seem like no big deal, but she was the first adoptee (or anyone) that I absolutely and totally identified with.... like ever. (That sounds pretty sad) I was beginning to feel a bit lonely. God is good and he absolutely created humanity to connect and I am so grateful to connect with Stephanie and one of the organizations that she participates with, Loving Shepherd Ministries. (More to come about them another time.)

Well, carpal tunnel is setting in and laying the smack down on me. Sigh, I wish that I took a pic with her. See, not that good of a blogger, but I believe that I will see her again.

Trash Talking

I am a giddy Korean girl at the moment. That which I was not born with, but covet is now resting on my head. Do you know what I might be referring to?







That's right, it is the epic battle of wanting what I do not have and kicking my opponent in the face!!!! The curling iron owned my straight hair today. I could have sworn that I heard it trash talking as it was heating up! Do you see those curls??? They are fantastic if I don't say so myself. Though, it will be even better when my hair is longer and it doesn't simply highlight my round face.

Speaking of round faces....

One of my favorite nights in a month are the dinners that I attend with other adult Korean adoptees. They are fascinating and so much fun. The last dinner most of the topic matter had to do with hair and our "fat" faces as quoted by many of the others in attendance. How does one prevent "fat" face? How does one apply makeup to a "fat" face? Don't be fooled these topics are very serious to each us and are such a source of hilariousness (is that a word?).

Oh and did you notice that I have moved up in the world of blogging? A picture speaks a thousand words. Which is good b/c my carpal tunnel syndrome hates me for blogging. This is one huge reason why I will likely never get my fullness of thought down in a single post. 'tis life.

In a Split Second....

So, I am sitting thinking about what a horrible blogger I am. There are so many thoughts that I can't wait to get to, but the one thought that stops me is that I should answer or continue my thoughts on separation BEFORE I move on to some other not so deep subject matter.

The problem and the reason why it is so hard for me to continue is b/c I know from the get go that I cannot do this justice.

But I will try and I will try by doing it on the "fly." (Not my style.)

So what is the answer to "separation" and sin? It should be obvious.... It is to be brought together into a right relationship. In the case of my own orphanhood the answer was to be brought into a parent/child relationship. Easy right? Ha!

This is where a very valid thought occurs....

"I don't know if I could love a child that I did not give birth to."

Let's face it, what use are the titles Mom, Dad, Son, Daughter if there is not the commitment to love as such? This is a thought that many may never say out loud. And to be honest it was a thought that occurred to me during the process of adopting our daughter, but to be fair I had the similar thought of, "What if I don't this boy as much as I love my first?" during the pregnancy of my 2nd son. (More on this another time...)

As a Christian, I can readily understand that love may be more defined by the journey of sacrifice than anything else. What I mean is that love is constantly being tried and tested. It is by the grace of God that I believe we (humanity) has the ability to come together, in any form, in love, but especially as a child to a parent.


Charis (greek form of grace):

1) grace
a) that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness: grace of speech
2) good will, loving-kindness, favour
a) of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues
3) what is due to grace
a) the spiritual condition of one governed by the power of divine grace
b) the token or proof of grace, benefit
1) a gift of grace
2) benefit, bounty
4) thanks, (for benefits, services, favours), recompense, reward

It is the overflow of God's grace to us that allows us to love with a "parental" kind of love. (Quick note. Charis was nearly Rose's name.) And I believe that the overflow of is on such a "God" level that it touches all of creation to some degree even to those that don't even acknowledge His status as Lord of all.

In very, very short that which unites a child and parent(s) is done by the grace of God. Believe me, there is much, much more to come about this throughout the blog simply because it is also by this same grace that I live.

I apologize that this is also so incomplete, but it would be a book and not a blog if I put every thought that I have here in this post. Besides, I have 3 kids. That isn't happening.

Busy Little Bee or is it Pee?

There is so much that I want to be writing right now, but instead I am making trip after trip to the potty. TMI? Guess I should mention that I am in the process of potty training my 2 1/2 yo daughter, Rose.

The score stands at 1 accident (next to the potty) to 1 full on pee pee session. Not bad!!!

Time to refuel ;-)

Like Me?

On a lighter note...

7 years ago I found myself pregnant for the first time. Now there are many stories that could and probably will be told sometime on this blog, but for the time being I am going to skip to the last couple of months of the pregnancy.

The last 2 months were utterly peaceful compared to the first half except for one fear. Sure pregnant women have fears and odd dreams, but it wasn't until recent years did I realize just how odd my fear had been.

My fear came out as cry or plea to God.

"Dear Lord, WHAT HAPPENS IF MY CHILD LOOKS JUST LIKE ME????!!!"

Yep. That was my great fear. Nope. Not the idea of pushing a bowling ball out of you know where or his health, or even my mothering skills... Sigh.

Either way this thought freaked the crap out of me! The anxiety that I incurred as a result was insane and it only ended as my contractions started to come with some force. And of course all was fine and my child didn't look "just like me," but like the both of us. DUH. The answer had to be a "duh" type of answer or else it wouldn't have been an irrational pregnancy fear ;-)

Like I wrote earlier, recently looking back I have realized that, yeah that's a weird thought.

Why think that?

I am rather content with the work God has done with me. So I don't believe that it is so much about looks as it is more about what is known and familiar to me. In my life the people that I love in a fiercely protective and as unconditionally as possible kind of way DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME! Go figure. To give you a visual... My dad's side of the family can be traced back to Wyatt Earp and my mom's side can be traced back to Daniel Boone. You with me now? And heck, it is not like I walk around looking at myself all day long.

Oh the humor God has and what a small understanding I have of it!!!

Hamartano

HAMARTANO (Sin): 1) to be without a share in
2) to miss the mark
3) to err, be mistaken
4) to miss or wander from the path of uprightness and honour, to do or go wrong
5) to wander from the law of God, violate God's law, sin

And sitting in a classroom I have heard it put this way, "Sin is any thought, deed, word, or attitude that goes against the will of God."

It just so turns out that I am a sinner and well I hate to break it to anyone, but according to Romans 3:23 ("For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God") you are too!

You might be thinking, "Amanda, why start a post with such a downer?"

Good question. I have an answer.

I believe that the root of what caused my ache and loneliness at the time of my self realization is sin. Not my own sin, though I have plenty of that to go around, but my birth mother's sin. (Right now I wish I was doing this by way of video.) Let's face it, I do believe that giving birth to a child and not parenting them is "to be w/o a share in, missing the mark, mistaken, gone wrong, to wander from the law of God, violate God's law, sin." In a perfect world, I would have been parented by my birth parents, but in reality we live in a world that is broken by sin and all are effected one way or another. And in the scheme of things the effects of sin result in separation. Also, I don't necessarily believe that the decision to make an adoption plan was the sin itself, but the decisions that lead up to it. kwim?

My birth mother was without a doubt broken and hurt by some sort of sin that was also done to her or by her. Sin tends to beget sin.

Nonetheless, the separation between parent and child occurred and now I am willing to bet that each of us are, at some point or another, feeling and dealing with the effects of it. I am not going to even pretend like I remotely know what she felt or went through, thus I am going to stick to myself.

AAAAAhhhhhh!!! There is so much to move onto from here that I am yearning to let out of me, but every I can get it to fit in this single post without it becoming a book. So, as this maybe an abrupt end, it is what it is..... Stay tuned this will definitely be continued!

I Was A What?

Sigh. So after time and time of trying to create a video post I now realize that it is not going to happen right now. Well, at least not while I have 3 kiddos at home when I am trying to do it.

Here we go anyway....

This last year, 2010, has been a life changer of years. 2010 will be forever be the year that we moved to Utah and the year that my daughter's adoption was finalized, but mostly I had many days in it that were simply and lovingly.... normal. Good ol' normal. Normal is good, familiar, and comfortable until they set you up to have something from left field hit you in the head and heart.

It was on a normal day when a single thought turned my life upside down. I guess it would be more accurate to label it as a large realization about myself and when I write "large," I mean "GIGANTIC!" That thought is this, "I WAS AN ORPHAN AT ONE TIME!!!"

My knees hit the floor within seconds, tears were streaming, my heart aching, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness weighed on me like a ton of bricks.

How did I miss this fact about myself? I am 29 years old and for as many years of them that I can recall I have known that I was in fact ADOPTED. And I didn't just know that I was adopted, I LOVED that I was adopted. It set me apart and made me special. Talking and sharing about it was what I loved to do. It was my "show and tell" material all through grade school. How in the world did I miss this? I recall telling people the circumstances of my adoption over and over all throughout my life. I am dense. Perhaps another time I will go into just how "dense" I am, but not at this moment.

Somehow the first 6 months of my life dropped my grown up self to the ground. Sure enough, the moment itself did not last terribly long, but my ex orphan status will not be long forgotten. In reality, it was never really forgotten. As I sift my life experiences both past and present I can clearly see how once being an orphan and then being adopted has directly effected my thoughts, attitudes, actions, and emotions in the best and worst of ways. Which makes complete sense.

I thought I would share the answer that I have to the question, "How did I miss this fact about myself?'

Answer: I had a limited view of adoption and no view of my ex orphan status. It is not to say that I didn't "know" my backstory or that my parents ignored that, but that it hadn't hit my heart and head never really went all the way there. kwim?

My focus had been on the great joys and funnies of adoption. I guess I wasn't ready to know or acknowledge the broken side of things until the age of 29. Check that. I knew that side and acknowledged it for my daughter, who is also adopted from Korea. For her I understood adoption in its fullest as it applied to her entirely. It made so much sense and touched my heart. Despite that, I didn't see it in myself... yet.

So, welcome to my blog. It is here that I hope to be open with what I discover about myself as I examine life with a new view of myself and with God's guidance through His Word.