Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Like Me?

On a lighter note...

7 years ago I found myself pregnant for the first time. Now there are many stories that could and probably will be told sometime on this blog, but for the time being I am going to skip to the last couple of months of the pregnancy.

The last 2 months were utterly peaceful compared to the first half except for one fear. Sure pregnant women have fears and odd dreams, but it wasn't until recent years did I realize just how odd my fear had been.

My fear came out as cry or plea to God.


Yep. That was my great fear. Nope. Not the idea of pushing a bowling ball out of you know where or his health, or even my mothering skills... Sigh.

Either way this thought freaked the crap out of me! The anxiety that I incurred as a result was insane and it only ended as my contractions started to come with some force. And of course all was fine and my child didn't look "just like me," but like the both of us. DUH. The answer had to be a "duh" type of answer or else it wouldn't have been an irrational pregnancy fear ;-)

Like I wrote earlier, recently looking back I have realized that, yeah that's a weird thought.

Why think that?

I am rather content with the work God has done with me. So I don't believe that it is so much about looks as it is more about what is known and familiar to me. In my life the people that I love in a fiercely protective and as unconditionally as possible kind of way DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME! Go figure. To give you a visual... My dad's side of the family can be traced back to Wyatt Earp and my mom's side can be traced back to Daniel Boone. You with me now? And heck, it is not like I walk around looking at myself all day long.

Oh the humor God has and what a small understanding I have of it!!!


HAMARTANO (Sin): 1) to be without a share in
2) to miss the mark
3) to err, be mistaken
4) to miss or wander from the path of uprightness and honour, to do or go wrong
5) to wander from the law of God, violate God's law, sin

And sitting in a classroom I have heard it put this way, "Sin is any thought, deed, word, or attitude that goes against the will of God."

It just so turns out that I am a sinner and well I hate to break it to anyone, but according to Romans 3:23 ("For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God") you are too!

You might be thinking, "Amanda, why start a post with such a downer?"

Good question. I have an answer.

I believe that the root of what caused my ache and loneliness at the time of my self realization is sin. Not my own sin, though I have plenty of that to go around, but my birth mother's sin. (Right now I wish I was doing this by way of video.) Let's face it, I do believe that giving birth to a child and not parenting them is "to be w/o a share in, missing the mark, mistaken, gone wrong, to wander from the law of God, violate God's law, sin." In a perfect world, I would have been parented by my birth parents, but in reality we live in a world that is broken by sin and all are effected one way or another. And in the scheme of things the effects of sin result in separation. Also, I don't necessarily believe that the decision to make an adoption plan was the sin itself, but the decisions that lead up to it. kwim?

My birth mother was without a doubt broken and hurt by some sort of sin that was also done to her or by her. Sin tends to beget sin.

Nonetheless, the separation between parent and child occurred and now I am willing to bet that each of us are, at some point or another, feeling and dealing with the effects of it. I am not going to even pretend like I remotely know what she felt or went through, thus I am going to stick to myself.

AAAAAhhhhhh!!! There is so much to move onto from here that I am yearning to let out of me, but every I can get it to fit in this single post without it becoming a book. So, as this maybe an abrupt end, it is what it is..... Stay tuned this will definitely be continued!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Was A What?

Sigh. So after time and time of trying to create a video post I now realize that it is not going to happen right now. Well, at least not while I have 3 kiddos at home when I am trying to do it.

Here we go anyway....

This last year, 2010, has been a life changer of years. 2010 will be forever be the year that we moved to Utah and the year that my daughter's adoption was finalized, but mostly I had many days in it that were simply and lovingly.... normal. Good ol' normal. Normal is good, familiar, and comfortable until they set you up to have something from left field hit you in the head and heart.

It was on a normal day when a single thought turned my life upside down. I guess it would be more accurate to label it as a large realization about myself and when I write "large," I mean "GIGANTIC!" That thought is this,

My knees hit the floor within seconds, tears were streaming, my heart aching, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness weighed on me like a ton of bricks.

How did I miss this fact about myself? I am 29 years old and for as many years of them that I can recall I have known that I was in fact
ADOPTED. And I didn't just know that I was adopted, I LOVED that I was adopted. It set me apart and made me special. Talking and sharing about it was what I loved to do. It was my "show and tell" material all through grade school. How in the world did I miss this? I recall telling people the circumstances of my adoption over and over all throughout my life. I am dense. Perhaps another time I will go into just how "dense" I am, but not at this moment.

Somehow the first 6 months of my life dropped my grown up self to the ground. Sure enough, the moment itself did not last terribly long, but my ex orphan status will not be long forgotten. In reality, it was never really forgotten. As I sift my life experiences both past and present I can clearly see how once being an orphan and then being adopted has directly effected my thoughts, attitudes, actions, and emotions in the best and worst of ways. Which makes complete sense.

I thought I would share the answer that I have to the question, "How did I miss this fact about myself?'

Answer: I had a limited view of adoption and no view of my ex orphan status. It is not to say that I didn't "know" my backstory or that my parents ignored that, but that it hadn't hit my heart and head never really went all the way there. kwim?

My focus had been on the great joys and funnies of adoption. I guess I wasn't ready to know or acknowledge the broken side of things until the age of 29. Check that. I knew that side and acknowledged it for my daughter, who is also adopted from Korea. For her I understood adoption in its fullest as it applied to her entirely. It made so much sense and touched my heart. Despite that, I didn't see it in myself... yet.

So, welcome to my blog. It is here that I hope to be open with what I discover about myself as I examine life with a new view of myself and with God's guidance through His Word.

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