Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I Was A What?

Sigh. So after time and time of trying to create a video post I now realize that it is not going to happen right now. Well, at least not while I have 3 kiddos at home when I am trying to do it.

Here we go anyway....

This last year, 2010, has been a life changer of years. 2010 will be forever be the year that we moved to Utah and the year that my daughter's adoption was finalized, but mostly I had many days in it that were simply and lovingly.... normal. Good ol' normal. Normal is good, familiar, and comfortable until they set you up to have something from left field hit you in the head and heart.

It was on a normal day when a single thought turned my life upside down. I guess it would be more accurate to label it as a large realization about myself and when I write "large," I mean "GIGANTIC!" That thought is this,

My knees hit the floor within seconds, tears were streaming, my heart aching, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness weighed on me like a ton of bricks.

How did I miss this fact about myself? I am 29 years old and for as many years of them that I can recall I have known that I was in fact
ADOPTED. And I didn't just know that I was adopted, I LOVED that I was adopted. It set me apart and made me special. Talking and sharing about it was what I loved to do. It was my "show and tell" material all through grade school. How in the world did I miss this? I recall telling people the circumstances of my adoption over and over all throughout my life. I am dense. Perhaps another time I will go into just how "dense" I am, but not at this moment.

Somehow the first 6 months of my life dropped my grown up self to the ground. Sure enough, the moment itself did not last terribly long, but my ex orphan status will not be long forgotten. In reality, it was never really forgotten. As I sift my life experiences both past and present I can clearly see how once being an orphan and then being adopted has directly effected my thoughts, attitudes, actions, and emotions in the best and worst of ways. Which makes complete sense.

I thought I would share the answer that I have to the question, "How did I miss this fact about myself?'

Answer: I had a limited view of adoption and no view of my ex orphan status. It is not to say that I didn't "know" my backstory or that my parents ignored that, but that it hadn't hit my heart and head never really went all the way there. kwim?

My focus had been on the great joys and funnies of adoption. I guess I wasn't ready to know or acknowledge the broken side of things until the age of 29. Check that. I knew that side and acknowledged it for my daughter, who is also adopted from Korea. For her I understood adoption in its fullest as it applied to her entirely. It made so much sense and touched my heart. Despite that, I didn't see it in myself... yet.

So, welcome to my blog. It is here that I hope to be open with what I discover about myself as I examine life with a new view of myself and with God's guidance through His Word.


-K said...

Hello! I saw your post on the Holt forum. My name is Kristy and my husband and I just recently started the process of adopting from Korea. I think it will be interesting to follow your blog and see the perspective of international adoption from an adoptee. Maybe it will help me with my someday daughter to be. Thanks!

Melissa said...

I look forward to following your blog since we have such similar experience (adoptees and adopters). Can't wait to meet you at CAFO!

(Home of series "Things Adoptive Parents Should Knoow")

Brett said...

I always enjoyed your posts on the Holt forums back when you were active there, so I'm sure your blog will be insightful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

candice said...

I am so excited for this blog and for you, my friend. God is doing amazing things in your life and I am blessed and privledged to be able to watch it all unfold!

Of course I'll be following along with all your posts now!

Jen said...

Hello! I also saw your post on the Holt forum. I look forward to reading your blog!

silverjewel said...

Thanks for warm welcome to the blogging community!

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